I Failed at Lent.

I failed at Lent.

I was so proud of myself, giving up Diet Coke.  Good for me, right?Well as it turns out, soda wasn't keeping me from Jesus.  I was keeping me from Jesus.

Let me back up.

Last Lent, in addition to giving up sweets, I vowed to also “take up” something during this time.  I decided to attend an extra Mass, or spend time in Adoration, or attend Confession...  The plan was that this would be one “extra” a week, a way to spend more time with Jesus than the required Mass on Sunday.

The first week, panic set in when I realized the week was almost up and I hadn't done my “extra.”  I remembered I had gone to Mass on Ash Wednesday, which is not a Holy Day of Obligation, so there it was.  I had done my “extra.”

I realized I had to make a concrete plan for what my “extra" would be each week - otherwise, there was the very real likelihood that I would forget.

At first, it seemed daunting.  I am VERY busy, you see (eye roll at myself).  Taking care of my kids, working, doing laundry, grocery shopping, washing dishes…how was I supposed to do something EXTRA with all the other stuff I had going on??  But, I had made a commitment.  So I stuck with it.

The first time I prepared to sit in Adoration for an hour, I admit - I was stressed.  A whole hour?!  Think of what I could be getting done instead!  But, I packed my devotional, prayer journal, and Bible, and set off.  

Once I got there, I settled in.  Spent the first few minutes in silence.  And it was so peaceful.  My mind stopped scrambling from all of the “to-do's," and I was able to enjoy the calm time with Jesus.  I wrote a letter to Him and read part of the Bible.  I prayed.  I read my devotional.  And let me tell you - that hour flew by.

The next week, I spent time in Church when there was not a Mass going on.  Again - the feeling of peace surrounded me.  There is just something about sitting in an empty Church, in front of the Crucifix, that is so humbling and peaceful.  

By the third week of Lent, I was looking forward to my “extra.”  I went from struggling to find the time, to looking forward to - even craving - the silence and peace that only Jesus can bring.  One of my favorite things to do was drop my kids at school, then sit in the quiet Church until daily Mass began, followed by attending Confession.  The more time I spend with Jesus, the more time I WANTED to spend with Jesus.  Jesus - you can't have just one (hour with Him, that is).

I felt the difference in my personality.  I was calmer.  More patient.  And, all of the things that needed to get done, got done.  

So where does my failing at Lent come in?  

Well, even after last Lent, I kept up with my weekly “extra.”  Then, summer vacation started.  My kids were out of school.  We had camps, vacations…and, I fell away from my “extra.”  I vowed to get back to in when the kids were back in school and we were back on a schedule.  However, despite by best intentions, I never got back to it.  The old silly excuses were fluttering around my mind - too busy, too much to do, blah blah and blah.

When this Lent started, I vowed to give up Diet Coke.  Would this be difficult for me?  Definitely.  And wouldn't this just be the best thing to do during Lent, to give up something I love for Jesus?

Four days into Lent, my patience was tested.  A rude patron in a store.  My anger and impatience got the best of me and, I'm ashamed to admit, I argued back.  

Afterwards, I felt terrible.  I texted a close friend of mine saying “I angrily argued with someone in the store today.  But don't worry, I'm not drinking Diet Coke right now so I'm doing really well growing closer to Jesus this Lent."

I couldn't get over how I reacted.  I felt down on myself, and so ashamed.  We are going to come across people in our lives that we don't get along with.  They might be rude, or unkind.  But, with Jesus on our side, we can react the right way.  Ignoring, speaking calmly, walking away, and praying for that person.  I truly believe that if I had maintained my “extra,” I wouldn't have reacted the way I did.

I went to Mass the next day and spent some time reflecting.  If I'm not acting Christlike, does it matter that I'm not drinking soda?  If I'm arguing and letting my temper get the best of me, am I truly spending the days of Lent the best way possible?

Right then and there, I changed my Lenten promise.  Diet Coke didn't matter.  Me making a conscious effort to act like Jesus DID.  I went back to my “extra” a week.  I attended Mass and Confession.  I still feel bad for the way I responded, but let me tell you - when the priest told me in Confession: “…know that Jesus has wrapped His arms around you in forgiveness and love" I felt a tremendous weight lifted off my shoulders.  I felt His love.  I felt His forgiveness.  I still feel guilty, and ashamed.   It is embarrassing for me to share this story.  The person who I argued with has been in my prayers.

I was shown firsthand the effect of putting anything else before Jesus.  Grocery shopping, working, taking care of my kids - these are all good things.  But, that does not mean I should allow them to take time away from my relationship with Jesus.

I encourage you to make some "extra" time for Jesus this Lent.  Plan what you will do and schedule it in.  The dishes can wait.  Your soul cannot.